Almost every health guru you come across these days will tell you to focus on the following four actions to attain personal wellness:
Now stop right there. Unlock your jaw. Relax your shoulders. Breathe into your belly. Hold it. Exhale.
See how good that feels?
How can it be so simple – yet so f**king hard to put into daily practice?
Well, balancing the interrelated dimensions of wellness in a society that values productivity over wellbeing is significantly difficult.
8 Dimensions of Wellness
Now multiply those 8 dimensions of wellness by the number of children you have, or the number of humans you care for and well, dammit, it’s a lot!
So, while we might not be able to master everything all at once… we can start to create a balanced home life by reminding ourselves to just breathe once in a while.
An Old School Take on Parenting
Today, on this 19th anniversary of my mother’s passing, I sit here wondering how she would handle the shit-show that is parenting in 2022.
Being the strong-willed, fierce, compassionate, bold, and humble woman she was… how the hell would she maintain composure or “wellness” when the average citizen can’t afford to live, wages don’t match inflation, formula is scarce, daycare is a luxury, resources are hoarded by the wealthy, and you can’t send your child to school without being paralyzed with fear?
I want to believe she would do what she had always done in the late 80’s and 90’s: Continuously show a selfless concern for the wellbeing of others while not taking shit from anyone.
My mother, Fran, was all but a conventional parent. She was also probably one of the most altruistic people I’ve ever known. Sometimes her altruism looked heroic. Other times you could find her sitting at the kitchen table (covered in lawn clippings, paint, and sweat), lighting the crushed smoke she pulled out of her bra while counseling some random kid.
There she’d be, with a stern look and a warm disposition, nonchalantly holding her cigarette without giving a second thought to how flammable her Aqua Net filled hair was. She was also quite the chef, always prepared for guests with microwaved hot dogs and beans.
While I often scoffed at her ways, I can tell you there wasn’t one neighborhood kid that wasn’t fed, lectured, and loved.
What my mother understood – what we all seem to be moving away from – is the fact that sometimes, as parents, we just can’t handle what’s happening in and around us on our own. Sometimes we just need a little help and a lot of compassion.
Offering a sense of genuine concern and connection became my mother’s purpose in life. To hell with political correctness, diplomacy, unreasonable societal expectations, and everything else… especially appearances.
She created a sense of community for every struggling person she ever met – even if she was their only community. She took in dozens of kids, helped folks with records find work and adequate housing, empowered people to change their situations, and judged not one of them (out loud, anyway). She did this all while fighting to overcome childhood traumas, adult betrayals, and major depression.
In hindsight I realize she just wanted to help anyone suffering because she had firsthand knowledge of how terrible it was to suffer alone. I wish I had realized all of this when she was still alive.
While it was pancreatic cancer that finally took her, I will always attribute her death to the burdens she attempted to carry for everyone else.
She deserved the village she attempted to be for others.
And this, folks, is what we all deserve.
Where’s the Village?
I am not sure what changed in our society that diminished the importance of human connection and community, but it’s time to change that.
Our current societal structure is based on a patriarchal notion that a woman’s obligation is to her home and children, and a man’s obligation is to work. The problem lies in the fact that we as a people evolved, but the structure didn’t.
So many parents are expected to work as if they don’t have children, and parent as if they don’t work… and nearly 20 million parents are attempting to do it alone.
If anything is creating chaos within our children, it is that. It is the disconnect caused by a society that doesn’t meet the changing needs of its people.
Coping as a Parent
To parent under the pressure of today’s unreasonable societal expectations and pure madness, we must remove the shame associated with not being able to handle everything alone.
We need help!
Sometimes all we need is a listening ear, and we must remember that it is perfectly healthy to ask for that too.
Furthermore, while I wholeheartedly believe in the benefits of eating well, sleeping well, exercising and meditating, we as parents also understand the barriers associated with putting those action items into practice. Sometimes it is just unrealistic.
We are not robots. We cannot get adequate sleep when we are riddled with stress. We can not eat well when healthy foods are too expensive to purchase. We cannot exercise if we do not have time. We cannot focus on wellness when we can’t even maintain our current pace. We cannot be expected to maintain composure when so many of our basic needs are not being met. We cannot maintain mental and emotional health when we are plagued, daily, with worry and fear.
Our contentment and our children’s contentment is at stake… and life is too f**king short to live miserably. So if you find yourself struggling with the concept of overall wellness in this shit show of a society, I strongly encourage you to join local advocacy groups aimed at empowering vulnerable populations and creating systemic change.
Here are a few tips to help you cope in the meantime:
- Remember the importance of MEDS
- Have compassion for yourself and others
- Ask for help without shame
- Find humor in dark places
- Just do your f**king best
Alone we can do so little… but together we can do so much.
May 28, 2022