There’s this thing some people do when something terrible happens to them.
They act like it wipes the slate clean. Like whatever they’ve done before that moment just… doesn’t count anymore.
Well, hate to break it to ya… it does.
Bad things happening to you does not erase how you treat people. It doesn’t buy you a free pass to rewrite history. It doesn’t make other people’s experiences with you less real. And it definitely doesn’t turn you into the victim in situations where you clearly were not. You might have been a victim to life circumstances, but those are separate things.
Martyr’s hate that, because it’s easier to point at pain than it is to take responsibility.
I’ve watched people expect grace they never gave, loyalty they didn’t return, and silence from the same people they had no problem misrepresenting. They want support without accountability and empathy without memory. And if you don’t give it to them, suddenly you’re the problem.
You’re cold. You’re insensitive. You “don’t understand what they’re going through.”
No. It’s understood. It just doesn’t change who they are or what they’re about. Tragedy doesn’t change someone’s character.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, you have a few options:
You can:
1. Feel awful for someone and still be done with them.
2. Acknowledge that their life has been objectively brutal without pretending they didn’t contribute to some of the damage around them.
3. Step back without making a speech about it.
4. Stop participating altogether.
And my personal favorite:
5. Write a passive-aggressive blog post instead of addressing it directly.
Because eventually, it stops being about compassion and starts being about self-respect. Those don’t always coexist.
Past loyalty doesn’t mean permanent access. People will let you show up fully, then minimize you behind your back. That’s not confusion. That’s behavior.
And when the next crisis hits, they expect you to show up again. No conversation. No accountability. Just resume your role.
No.
You don’t get to skip over what you did because something bad happened later. You don’t get to replace accountability with tragedy. And you don’t get to villainize people for opting out.
Let’s be adults.
If you hurt someone, own it. If you lied, fix it. If you benefited from throwing someone under the bus, apologize.
Or don’t.
But don’t expect access. Don’t expect one-sided understanding. And don’t expect people to keep absorbing the fallout from your choices just because your life is hard.
Some people are carrying more than most. That’s real.
It still doesn’t replace accountability.
🖤 Hag